In 1987, I’m told that I went on my first cruise vacation aboard the MS Britanis – a three-day Bahamas cruise. Since that significant sailing, a rather large and somewhat odd obsession with the cruise industry has basically consumed my 21 years.
Growing up, I was the only 10-year old American watching the “Love Boat” in order to see the interior shots of the Pacific Princess, rather than taking advice from a knowledgeable bartender. In fact, when UPN decided to cancel the short-lived remake of the 1970’s classic, I was pretty devastated.
In high school, I managed get hired by a staffing agency that specialized in the cruise industry. I was able to work for Royal Caribbean, my favorite cruise line, as a guest service representative. I was also able to get roughly 13 of my friends a job working pier-side, next the largest passenger ships in the world, and subsequently managed to get the same group fired, along with myself, because we took 30-minute cigarette breaks and mid-day excursions to South Beach, while on the clock.
No surprise, but whenever a movie is filmed on a cruise ship or a ship serves as the underlying plot line, I’m anxious to see how well Hollywood can depict modern-day ocean travel.
OnDemand is currently offering the 2006 box-office bomb “Poseidon” on HBO. A remake of the 1972 film and re-adaptation of the 1969 novel, the new film lacks acting skills and most notably, a real ship.
Besides the CGI-produced Poseidon exteriors looking like a futuristic seaboard medical facility, the interior is as predictable and tacky as a sappy romance novel. Set on New Year’s Eve, the passengers aboard the ill-fated ship are decked-out (pun intended) in luxurious evening attire.
No one that cruises dresses as if they are nominated for best actor at the Academy Awards. Just last week, Norwegian Cruise Lines announced that men and women are encouraged to wear jeans in their dining rooms. Only Princess Cruises has a strict “no-jeans” policy in their dining room.
The film features the former mayor of New York (played by Kurt Russell) staying in a stateroom the size of Donald Trump’s penthouse. To my knowledge, even the largest staterooms at sea do not offer vaulted ceilings and two-story swooping staircases.
The ship’s onboard entertainment comes courtesy of Gloria (played by Fergie). My only kudos for the film’s casting department is using the Black Eyed Peas front-woman as a washed up cruise sensation. I predict that in about 6 years, I too can catch Fergie lip-syncing and dressed like long-time “Love Boat” guest-star Charo on a cruise.
Nearly 20 minutes into this nail-biting thriller, the ship somehow capsizes. Predictable lines spoken by the captain and the film’s hero soon follow. I’m not sure if Fergie is dead yet, but that would make the movie a lot more interesting.
I can go on and on about how poorly the cruise industry is portrayed or how bad of an actor Kevin Dillon really is, but I wont. Instead I’ll go back to watching this shit movie, contemplate boycotting Warner Brothers and finish my bowl of pasta.
Cheers,
Victor
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment